Time & Reflection

I haven’t posted for a while, rest assured as Lily grows so do her demands for cuddles and kisses, food and play. Swept up in being Mummy and wife and thinking about being a worker again in Term2. So while Mr T was away on a buck’s weekend and Miss Lily was afternoon napping I began this post.

When I was young time always seemed to pass by so slowly, I eagerly waited for Christmas or my birthday each year; it seemed to take forever to arrive. As I have got older time has become quick and fleeting, and I wish it was something there was always more of.

It is this importance of time I have learnt not to take for granted. Lily arrived ahead of her time, and since that moment it feels like time has sped along and brought me here; on my couch, in a new house, with only three weeks of leave left before I return to work. I'm looking forward to work, to use my work brain again, but not looking forward to leaving little Missy, i sense tears will flow that morning.

A few weekends ago Mr T and I went out for breakfast with Lily, and afterwards had some time to walk around the park in the sunshine and talk. As you can imagine we don’t get much time to talk lately, and, be together at the same time. Mr T had been worried about me (bless him), and as always, was keen to help me out and get to the bottom of the messy emotional state I seemed to have found myself in. As we sat in the glorious sun on the park bench, we talked about how as time has sped along we have not had much time to reflect on what has happened to us over the last twelve months. (Mr T is so clever, he already had it all figured out for me, he knows me better than I know myself now.)

Nearly a year has passed since our whirlwind trip into parenting began, and while Lily has brought joy and love and happiness to us both; time to stop, reflect, acknowledge and process what has happened has been missing. Our discussion led us to the very beginning of our misadventure, worrying about our pregnancy, worrying if Lily would come early, which turned into worrying about if she would make it, then worrying for a further 171 days at the hospital, to worrying about her future outcomes, to worrying about how in the world we were going to be able to look after the little munchkin at home...all by ourselves...

Finally now there is some time for reflection, I have found over the last month I feel more human and more alive in thought. Reflection allows the head to think and the mind to wander. Reflection allows healing; I have unexpectedly cried at the strangest of things lately: a face book post, well-meaning comments, a news story, Lily being amazing, Lily being naughty, the Bunnings fundraisers…Crying before was how I coped, now I believe it is for healing. I wonder how long it lasts? 

Reflection can be painful, as I now have time to relive many of the close calls and horrible moments. The impact of these moments  hits harder as I look at the beautiful thriving child I hold in my arms. As I spend more time with her, an avalanche of love grows; bigger and bigger. One particular day haunts me the most, triggered by sounds similar to the hospital machines or any of the daily things I run into that remind me of Lily and her journey.

Reflection provides perspective, new thoughts, new beginnings and distance from the past.

It’s like finally coming out of a fog or a cloud you have been stuck in for months; most excitedly I finally have space in my head to enjoy Lily and worry a little less about her.

So, with an appreciation for time, it’s importance and its impact on reflection, I think it’s time for a cup of tea, before my gorgeous cherub stirs and I’m on Mummy duties again.

Seven Months Old

Our little pocket rocket is seven months old today (3 ½ months corrected) and 6.855kg.

Lily is showing lots of interest in her toys, our faces, smiling and laughing lots, discovering how to suck her thumb and has found her voice, chatting away happily to herself. Her personality is just too cute, and I see more of myself and Mr T in her every day.

All her specialists are happy with her so far. Her latest blood tests all returned normal levels, so hopefully we will be able to lose some of the medications she is on over the next month or two.

Our respiratory appointment this afternoon was very successful. Lily is ready to start weaning off her oxygen. Over the next four weeks we will build up from two 15minute sessions to two 2hourly sessions per day without oxygen.

She has been home for 44 days, so still a while to go before she has been at home with us longer than her hospital buddies.

So proud of our little munchkin!

Lily (Now You’re Here): Her very own song

Today Mr T and I celebrate 5 years of marriage. Usually, I like an outing and a walk with a nice meal somewhere. Today we did a walk (around the block) and have spent a lovely day at home pottering, watching movies and baking.

Mr T has been putting the final touches on a very special project this afternoon. He started a song for Lily many weeks ago, that has grown into a work of art! The song is called Lily (Now You’re Here). It captures beautifully the feeling and emotion of Lily, but also serves as a song for all preemie babies, and parents of preemies. The sounds and words capture a time that we will always remember, but one that is also shared by many other parents before and after us. As a gesture towards the amazing work of music therapist Liz Mclean that we met during our time at Monash; Mr T has decided to offer the song recorded by his band Hammercan for download by donation. The details can be found here… http://www.hammercan.com/hammercan-charity---music-therapy---monash-childrens-hospital.html. All the donations will go back into supporting and growing the Music Therapy program at Monash Children’s Hospital. Please share with everybody, we would love this song to be heard by many!

As Mr T has finished Lily’s song, Lily has been home for nearly three weeks. She nearly feels like part of the furniture, and already it is hard to imagine our little home without her. As I hoped Lily’s arrival at home is slowly helping to heal the wounds, and the pure joy of Lily is slowly taking over from the chip I have been carrying on my shoulder. I realised I was carrying this around as I drove to the shops alone on Wednesday; that if I didn’t start enjoying my time with Lily more and stop worrying about her next vomit, a breath held, a choke or a cough, then I’d miss all the cuteness and love in between. Nothing will ever change Lily being born at 25 weeks, the challenges she will face, the pregnancy I feel I missed out on….time to move on and live in the moment. Time to let go of the sadness, anger and grief, and be happy! Happy for Lily, happy for my family and happy for me!

Happy New Year!

As I lay here breathing in the baby goodness, the sweet baby Lily smell, I wouldn’t change a thing. She is the coolest thing ever; brave, cute, cheeky, loud, stubborn, adorable!

2015 has brought us joy and pain. I will be glad that it is over, but appreciative for what it has brought us; Lily of course taking the spotlight. After a week at home with the little munchkin, she has thrived and flourished, we have had smiles, wiggles and vomit, lots of vomit. It’s so nice to get to know her, in our own home, with our own things, in our own space.

We’ve been back to the hospital for our review and check up with the NICU doctors, passed with flying colours, and had visits at home from nurses to check up on Lily.

Happy New Year everybody, tonight I celebrate family, with a glass of Moet, chippies and hope for many good things to come in 2016. 

 

A Christmas Miracle

It has been a long and at times very challenging, heart wrenching, rollercoaster 171 days for Mr T, Lily and I…Lily has worked so very hard to get where she is today and decided all those months ago on a Saturday night in July that she was going to hang around. She is yet to discover how strong she has been, the will she has summoned and the courage she has within.

With hearts full of joy and bursting with excitement, we are very excited to say that tomorrow we are bringing our baby girl home.

As we leave the hospital tomorrow, Lily for the first time will feel fresh air on her face, wind in her fluffy hair and sunshine on her toes. So many firsts to experience, but the best one perhaps, is that we will have our family together, at home, for Christmas.

As with any newborn, leaving the hospital is only the beginning; there is still lots to be done, appointments to attend, medications to administer, feeds to pump and maybe some sleep too.

All those things aside, I just can’t wait for the simple pleasure of enjoying an entire day at home, with Mr T and Lily.

We’re coming to get you Lily! 

Highs & Lows

I wrote this two weeks ago in a bit of a low moment, since which the little munchkin has perked up and is now ready for a procedure tomorrow to have a P.E.G put in, so that we can feed her easily and safely at home. It will mean she will have one less tube in her face, but a tube coming out of her tummy instead. The tube goes straight into her tummy, and we will pump her feeds in through the tube, while we continue to work on her bottle feeds and practice sucking. She’s always very excited to try her bottle, but just hasn’t learnt yet how to feed and suck effectively. It was a tough decision, but the best one in the end for all three of us, to ensure feeding can continue to occur without stress and be an enjoyable experience. She will have a light anesthetic and the procedure will be performed by the gastroenterologist.

Anyway…I decided to post my thoughts from two weeks ago anyhow, as it’s a good reminder that all yucky things do pass, they are never horrible forever. As hard as it is to trust her sometimes, Lily’s got it all covered. She is after all continuing to grow, 5.1kg and nearly 8 weeks corrected….

…The last couple of weeks have been horrible, no sugar coating required…they have completely sucked! 23 weeks, nearly 160 days in a hospital and battling horrendous traffic everyday will eventually take its toll on a person. Totally over it. Lily has caught a cold in the hospital, which for you and I is bad enough, but for Lily is even harder to kick with her fragile lungs. She’s snotty and grizzly, having trouble with her feeds, vomiting and desatting. She created her own code blue alert last Thursday while waiting for a nuclear thyroid scan downstairs, when her portable oxygen ran out, she vomited and stopped breathing. It sounds very dramatic, but it’s not even a stretch of the truth. I have never really felt like I was going to lose a loved one before, besides the time my Mum was sick in 2009, but Lily has thrown me over the edge so many times…that unnerving feeling where your legs crumple beneath you, unable to hold you up, you slide down against the wall in a snivelling mess, until the nurse comes to tell you everything is ok. You get back up and walk back in, and sit next to the baby that you thought you were just about to lose…again.  There are so many things I have seen in the hospital that I can’t unsee: I have seen my own child be saved by amazing doctors and nurses on numerous occasions…as her face and lips turn blue, her body becomes limp and she struggles for air…..I have seen babies crying as they are weaned off morphine because they have been born addicted to drugs, I have been surrounded angel babies that never get to go home with their Mum and Dad, I have seen despair and distraught cross the faces of new parents as they become familiar with the NICU, I have seen fantastic nurses and not so good nurses, but most of all despite all I have seen and can’t unsee I have got to know one precious little human, very, very well. As I sit with her each day and observe her keenly, waiting for signs of progress, a chance of going home, she makes all the horrible things ok. That smile, that giggle, those bright eyes, keep me going back each day.

…Tomorrow is a big day for everybody, one that will bring us the closest to home so far.  I’m a bit nervous but hopeful that it all goes to plan. As always Lily will decide what will be, and we will be there for her. Christmas still isn't out of the question, she's got us on the edge of our seats!

A blog by Mr T

Mr T has written a blog post for me this week. Mr T is a dashingly handsome man and throughout our travels with Lily has grown even closer to my heart. While he has called it ‘manning up’, Mr T has always has this under wraps already….he listens, cares, and just knows what to do when confronted by his teary wife…on the phone….before school….at the hospital. Manning up is the ultimate version of love and support, it’s just what Mr T does, he rocks at it.

MAN UP!!!

So when Robyn asked me to write a blog post for her I thought to myself where do I begin. She is a beautiful writer and is so eloquently describing our journey as a new family. For my post I thought I would tackle the topic of "manning up" because that is what this our circumstances has required me to do.

The last 20 weeks have been a blur. We have gone from being pregnant at 20 weeks, to bed rest for four weeks, to the hospital for one week, in labour for one day and now parents for 20 weeks. Do I feel like a parent yet? Do I feel like a dad? It's a relief to finally say yes I am on my way. We spend years thinking about the possibility of becoming parents one day and the vision of what is considered as "normal". So what about when what happens is not considered the norm. How does that make you feel? Well as i write this bedside at Lily's crib I can honestly say it is the most beautiful and amazing feeling in the world. But reaching this feeling has produced different emotions along the way such as sadness, frustration, excitement, anger, angst and fear.

When we first received the news that our pregnancy was not unravelling the way we wanted, i was presented with the very real task, as man of the house, i had to "man up" so to speak and gather strength from every part of my being in order to move us forward solidly and safely. Does this mean I ignored my emotions along the way? Not at all, but it's hard to explain. It is quite a traditional idea to say "men shouldn't cry, or share their feelings". I don't agree, and I have certainly shed a tear and spoken about my feelings throughout the last 23 weeks. It is when I have been away from Robyn however that my mind has allowed me to let my guard down and share a tear with a friend or colleague. When back at Robyn's side it's like my "man brain" stooped in 1000s of years of evolution said to my physical being, "man up, suck it up, don't complain, do whatever you can, listen, love and read Robyn's physical and emotional cues really well because that's what she and the situation needs right now".

I like to consider myself a sensitive new age guy. I do housework and cooking and can have an honest conversation about my feelings. I have always been pretty well grounded on a personal level. But prior to our recent circumstances I had never been in a situation where I had to be so consistently solid, strong and stable for someone else for such a length of time while going through such an emotional roller coaster myself. For Robyn this has been a ride that has been both emotional and physical. We have been faced with unpredictable, inconsistent and unreliable situations everyday. I have had to "man up" on a daily basis and ensure that she could always find strength and stability in me. This situation has given me an opportunity to grow as her husband, build on all the strengths of our relationship and begin my role as Lily's daddy. I don't feel I can take full credit for my ability to "man up". I had a wonderful teacher in my father who taught me over the last 34 years what it means to be a great father and husband. Thanks PV!!! (Aka: Papa Vicoosh)

I'll finish this blog with a message for husbands:

If faced with the same or similar situation you would or already have done the same thing. If your partner, family or friend needs you, let your highly evolved man brain do its thing and be there for them. Don't complain. Stay in control of your emotions. Husbands, be the man your wife needs you to be. You know her best so do what you need to do. Realize that changing her sadness to happiness is probably an unrealistic expectation right now. You can still comfort her, listen to her, care for her, make her feel safe and distract her if possible. This in time will lead back to happiness when the storm has passed. They do say "happy wife, happy life". If all this is too much to remember then men I hope you have taken away this blog's key message to...............MAN UP!!!!!

A light at the end of the tunnel

Well. I never thought that I would be holding a baby that is over 4kg. She has outgrown all her teeny tiny clothes and is teetering dangerously on the edge of popping out of her 0000 before she’s even worn them all. Little Lily is not little anymore, she is a big chubby bubby. She is now three weeks corrected or 43 weeks…18 weeks in the hospital, nearly 5 months, 126 days…

I also never thought that I would be starting to get excited about her coming home! In the last week doctors and nurses have started to mention that word…home. Lily is very stable (usually) with her oxygen now, and will be able to come home with a small amount for as long as she needs. (This could be anything from 3-6 months or longer) We have been given a timeline of 2-4 weeks, so are crossing everything that Lily the brave can pull this off before Christmas.  

We need to establish feeding and figure out how to deal with her terrible reflux. It’s the only thing left holding her back. She is still tube fed, but has such chronic reflux that she holds her breath to push it back up or vomit and then de-saturates her oxygen levels. Her food is already thickened, given to her very slowly and she also two doses of a tummy settling medicine per day. We will recommence some attempts suck feeds this week to see if she is interested, but I don’t blame her for not being very keen, considering that every three hours her tube feed is such a painful ordeal. Her 22q deletion poses extra feeding problems too, making swallowing difficult, so it is very likely she will come home with a nasal tube, or we may have a stomach peg inserted. That way we can focus on feeding in the home environment where we can all be a little more relaxed. These tiny hills for Mr T and I are nothing compared to the mountains Lily has already climbed! 

Mr T and I have been putting our mummy and daddy hats on this week and found a few things that help her through. Lots of pats on the back and an upright cuddle seem to do the trick.

I have learnt over the last 18 weeks that everybody’s journey is relative in Nicu/special care. Mr T and I look at the parents of babies born only a few weeks early with very small difficulties, and think…if you only knew. It equally applies to us too though….we are by no means the longest stayers, and if only we knew… there is always someone out there who has had a tougher time than you.

Over the last week; the entire 18weeks of emotion erupted one Thursday before school, so Mr T came to the hospital with me that day, to hold my hand and prop me up. Not only is it tiring being in the NICU with your own baby, but you are also constantly surrounded by the fear and worry of other parents and babies. Every time the emergency alarm rings out loud in the NICU you are grateful it’s not your baby this time, but so sad for another family that has to endure a terrifying life or death situation for their own little bubs. It is so very sad.

Mr T and I are finally feeling like a real Mum and Dad with the little smiles she gives us when we greet her, the way she snuggles in tight on your shoulder and falls asleep after a feed and the way she is comforted by our voices, attention, cuddles and love. We can’t wait to have her with us all the time, where we can give her our undivided love and attention all the time, whenever he wants. I can’t wait for her to wake me in the middle of the night (10 times), change all her lovely nappies, sit on our couch with Lily on my lap and go for walks in the summer around the park with Mr T and Sammy…I can’t wait. And all going well, it’s not too far away Lily girl; Mr T’s Nan would tell you Lily that the secret is to ‘just keep going’…(its worked well for her, she’s in her 90s with the softest skin you’ll ever snuggle).

I can nearly see, touch , smell taste a light at the end of a very long tunnel. By no means anywhere near over, but at least the end of this very stressful bit.

Keeping the faith...moving to Bay 2

I am not a very religious person, but Lily has shown me lots about faith and spirituality. Today the Man upstairs has smiled on us and delivered a much needed break to our little family. Today I have felt choked with emotions and tears. Not tears of sadness, but tears of joy and happiness! This morning when I went to visit Miss Lily, she wasn’t there…she had moved…all the way to Bay 2!! I can’t remember the last time I felt so very happy, my mind has been buzzing all day with pride, awe and amazement for our Super Baby Lily. I think she saved this surprise for Grandpa Sharp’s 60^th birthday…I always had a feeling she was going to arrive today…

The last week has been fast moving, with Lily working her way to up to full time high flow…to the doctors deciding to give her a go on low flow…to staying on low flow yesterday and loving it…to still being on her low flow over 24 hours later. Low flow means that there is no pressure keeping her lungs up, she is doing it all on her own. She is also being given a tiny amount of oxygen….0.1litres. (This is a very small %, compared to what she was on earlier this week) It is the closest to breathing all on her own Lily has ever been. She seems very happy with this arrangement, being the most settled and least wriggly I have ever seen her, she spent all morning napping today as she practiced her big girl breathing.

Lily has lots of various people poke and prod her regularly, but this week some new people met Lily from the developmental care team. A physio put Lily through her paces to check things like her head control, sitting and standing, and her eyes movements etc. At this stage she is at the expected level. This is something I will continue to watch with keen interest as with VCFS and being premmie, developmental delays are very common.

At this stage they are keeping her Bay 9 position open, just in case she gets tired and needs to go back to high flow…but I have all my fingers and toes crossed, that she’ll be ok, and power on through. She is 16 weeks old tomorrow, 1 week corrected and 3.612kg. I think that with all her growing, she is fixing her lungs and making them big and strong.

Mr T and I are very positive people, but have been struggling a little lately with the idea of Lily who is now full term still being in hospital. She would have been home if she had arrived on her due date by now, so it is difficult to spend so much time away from her. Especially as she is so alert when awake, and loves her cuddles with Mummy and Daddy. So today was just what we needed…a huge leap towards being together as a family in our own little home.

Time for some more happy tears while I get tea ready…and I think tonight a celebratory glass of champers with dinner to celebrate Lily. 

100 Days Old

100 Days

A big milestone today. Lily has been with us for 100 days. Due to the amazing care, love and support from her NICU nurses, she is progressing well and now weighs 3.04kg. The wonderful people in the NICU have been so kind and supportive of Mr T and I, and always ask to see how you are, and nothing you ask of them is ever too much.

I read the other day it costs about $1000-$1500 per day to have a baby in the ICU. At 100 days Lily has become a $100,000 baby. With access to life saving equipment and expertise of care which has got to where she is now. If this little kid ever considers smoking or other silly things…I will be livid! I’ll be reminding her about the fragile, infected, collapsed lungs she started with…

The NICU celebrate 100 days in the nursery with a special handmade quilt that Lily gets to keep and a certificate. Lily’s friends in the NICU, Ruby and Parker made her special cards as well and gave Mummy and Daddy T a little celebration in the Ronal McDonald room at lunch time.

Lily is working her way to full time on her high flow, currently 2 sessions of 6 hours per day. In a couple of weeks they might try her on low flow, which is one step away from completely unassisted breathing.

Mr T and I met with the genetics team today to further discuss Lily’s recent diagnosis. We are now well equipped with knowledge and facts about the condition so that we can help Lily to the best of our ability as she overcomes whatever hurdles she is presented with. She will be followed very closely by her pediatrician (which she would visit as a premmie anyhow) and as things arise, she will be referred to relevant specialists. Surrounded by a loving family and support network, half Lily’s battle is already won. We know how important parents can be as a determining factor for the future successes of their children…so we think our Lily might just be ok!

Our music therapist has left us with a guitar for Mr T to tinker with in Lily’s bay. We had a lovely evening the other night playing and singing with Lily and she napped. It felt like real family time, amongst the noises, clicks and alarms of the NICU. Lily also has an ipod and speakers next to her that play 7 tracks selected by Mr T to help her soothe and settle when she is grumpy or upset.

Another milestone at the end of this week, with Lily’s official due date this Saturday 17^th October. She will be referred to as a term baby from then on, and have a corrected age as opposed to her gestational one.

Cheers Lily! You are our little super star, keep growing, keep trying, keep strong.